Every Relationship is Permanent

Every Relationship is Permanent

Modern dating has hit a huge point of acceleration. The combination of birth control, women’s rights, increasingly liberal views and the internet have had profound effects.


Thanks to apps like Tinder, and many others, there are so many options at all times for dating. I see many positives from having an abundance of dating choices as oppose to scarcity. Of course there are new challenges that we face because of this.


As grandmother warned “Too much of a good thing…”


Human’s place higher value on scarcity (and lower value when drowned in abundance). We hold onto it so much tighter than anything else, even to unhealthy degrees. Ever held onto a relationship way longer than you should have because you felt they were the only one? I sure have. What about wandering thoughts when there were several viable relationship options?


It’s the difference between being allowed to have the entire candy store versus having to choose only one candy. I promise that the single candy will taste way better than the whole store. At the very least way more thought and care will be put into choosing it.


My fear is that there is a devaluing of intimate and sexual relationships going on.


Ever play on Tinder and swipe right to twenty people while sitting on the toilet? You wouldn’t do that at a social gathering. Well, I wouldn’t, but I don’t know about you.


“Swipe right. And right. And another right. And this profile made an inappropriate cancer joke, swiiiiipe right…”


I have caught myself many times jumping from relationship to relationship as if it were a monthly routine. While I see nothing wrong with short-term relationships, I believe each one needs to be valued and appreciated. Acknowledge what was learnt, what healing occurred, what was discovered and everything else that derives from intimate relationships.


With that in my mind, my counsellor got me thinking about something:


“Every relationship is permanent” He said.


I thought for a second about all my previous relationships and all the women I have slept with. He’s right. I remember every one. Those relationships are permanently in my mind. Should I ever cross paths with one of these women again we are not strangers. We are ex lovers, ex friends and ex one-night stands.


Although the circumstances are different, they will have always happened.


I cannot take it back and breaking up does not wipe the memory of each relationship. They are no longer strangers.


Courtship still happened. Sex still happened. Hugs, kissing, bad jokes, intimate pillow talks and adventures all happened.


Every relationship is permanent.


I find his words very comforting. When I think of each relationship as permanent it reframes each one in a way that creates more appreciation and more gratitude for what was in those moments.


Perhaps that is my overtly positive view talking. I see it as getting a tattoo. Later in life my 80-year-old self can either appreciate what 20-year-old Scott chose to do, or I can hold an air of negativity and regret to it. Either way, the fact remains that it still happened and it is permanent.


In that case I think I’ll choose appreciation.


The next time I look to date I will be looking at each potential date as permanent. I don’t see this kind of permanent as scary. I do, however, see permanent as placing higher value on each date.


It leads to me ask:


“Is this the permanent I really want?”
“Is this in service of my higher needs of love, connection, growth and play?”
“Is this being impulsive and am I letting my ego make the decisions?”


I believe permanent can be a beautiful thing. I remember as a kid my parents telling me how tattoo’s are permanent and should be well thought out. Actually they just didn’t want me getting a tattoo. I have one by the way; sorry Mom and Dad.

They are right and it really pertains to everything in life. Everything we do becomes a part of us. It makes us into who we are – each little individual experience all adds up into the summation of me, you and everyone else.

Now don’t go overthinking every little step. Simply appreciate each step. Smell the roses. Get that tattoo. Go on many dates and appreciate every single one!

The only difference between a tattoo and ex-lover is that we wear one on the outside. The other we carry on the inside as memories and experiences which translate to beliefs and values, and then are expressed outwardly through our actions.


I am not suggesting anyone stop using Tinder and the countless other options. I’m not saying we should stop dating tons of people. What I am suggesting is for everyone to slow down and appreciation each relationship even more.


Slow down when meeting someone new.
Slow down during courtship.
Slow down as connection and love grows.
Slow down so as to enjoy every detail when you’re on the first date and one-millionth date.


Because when we realize that every relationship is permanent there is a reframe to think deeper about our choices. Because there is more to it than “just dating”.


Each new date is like getting matching tattoos. Maybe that’s a bit extreme of a metaphor, or not a very good one. Oh well, too late. It’s permanent now.
Point is to stop and think about your higher needs before jumping into every new relationship – because whatever you both choose, it’s permanent (Hopefully in the best way possible).

Much love,